Friday, September 30, 2011
I realise that its so hard to resist and control the inner temptation that keeps revolving around my mind due to my weak morals. Why is it so difficult to exercise self control. This will be the fight for my life time till i get over it. I shall put an end to it regardless of what. I admit, i am just a weakling.
I have come thus far and i shall continue to maintain my self control. I pray that god will give me faith and let me be strong once and for all. You are utmost important to me. The experience of losing you once will always be in my mind. I will continue to be strong and not give in to all this shit.
To be able to be with you is a gift from god.
To cherish you is what i desire.
For you, i will persevere and be strong.
For I love you, Adelene...
Never give up...
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Love is really a big word and after 4 years, i realised that i know nothing about love. It is not as simple as just making that person happy, trying to retain the smile on her face and getting her what she wan and what she need. I always aim for all these, but i fail terribly.
The partner emotion and feeling is the most important. After all, what i have been aiming for, is none other than what people usually does at the courting phase. By being in a relationship means more.. looking at myself in front of the mirror, makes me feel that 4 years of relationship seems to be like a joke.
I only try to understand the current situation and remember for that instance.. just that instance.. and i cast the entire thing out of my brain till similar things begin to occur.. oh well.. wtf am i doing.. i guess i finally understand what you mean by "i am a selfish person" after you found out what happen and make me really go and think about all aspect in our relationship.. indeed, my actions are so one sided and selfish that i got to make you feel emotionally betray. i have never show you the true side of me. I behave like a saint in front of u. but frankly speaking, i didn't know my action are actually causing this much damage. I thought i am those kind of person who behave differently to different groups of people and i am just being normal.. but i am so damn wrong. you soon realise that i have serious moral issue which i eventually understand and realised that i really do have serious moral issue..
sigh.. cheating is the biggest mistake i have ever committed in life. I destroy our future, your trust, hurt your feelings, causing u to be not stable and whats worst, i got to let you go through all these shit by yourself.. I guess i have change big time because i never thought and believe that i will end up like this.. but humans do change.. according to the environment.. but i can only say one thing.. i have no proper moral and easily influence.. i don control my own life and therefore i am not discipline enough to live according to my morals.. its my own fault, my own doing.. sigh.. i should really settle down and think of who i am and what i really wanna be and wanna achieve instead of saying "anything" all the time and goes with the flow.. its time to make some proper decision in life and grab hold of my own life and future.. needless to say, our future too..
I do not know how to thank you as you have actually given me another chance.. something very rare because this is a mistake that do not belongs in the forgiven category.. i really think i shouldn't be together with you anymore because i totally don't deserve it.. sigh.. after all this incident then i realise how much effort you have put into this relationship.. is it too late to only start opening my eyes now to see, feel and understand all your hardwork and effort? i hope its not.. to really change, it takes time.. and i wonder how long this change in my personality will take..
watching local dramas makes me feel like going back to singapore badly.. the places we go together, my parents, our memories.. i have never feel that singapore drama were so nice in the past.. but now i feel as though they are super nice.. the drama trigger my thoughts of those memories that we hold.. and watching how nice they treat each other(actor and actress) in the show makes me feel guilty.. sigh.. if only i can be this nice to you.. but even if i do this to you now, its kind of too late already.. the trust and everything is gone.. the scar is already being engrave into your heart and our relationship.. i destroy everything.. indeed.....
i would really like to be a whole new person with proper morals and to treat and love you truthfully.. i do not have what it takes to tell you "i love you".. i really don deserve to say these 3 words to you.. sigh.. i hope i will change overtime by placing faith in god and in my own actions too.. allow me to learn from my past mistake and be a change man..
i have disappoint you thoroughly and i have let you down.. it is impossible to go back to the past.. i hope we will have a future together and it will be a truthful and lovely wan..
I miss you..
Hearts you..
The old leelee is dead.. time to wash away the painful memories that he had left you with... ... ...
Never give up...
