Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Its just a cycle, a loop.. I will always be inside this loop, always will be.. going over and over again..
Question is, when will i get out of it?
I wonder...
I ponder...
Probably Never...
Never give up...
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I should have know that things will never get any better. I should not have taken you for granted and take it that you have forgiven me when you tell me that i should start forgiving myself. I seriously do not deserve ur time and attention. You really shouldn't treat me like the past, don show me your smile. I will feel 2 or 3 or 4 times more guilty.
Your constant reminder is good to always remind me how nbcb i am and to trigger the guilt in me. Sorry for taking you for granted. Allow me to feel that i am a jerk and not someone who is suitable for you. Someone who don deserve ur time and don deserve to be with u.
Maybe you should just let me go... Your pain might slowly go away... Sorry for entering and destroying ur life.. This is the "best" thing i have ever done in my life..
Which is to
To severely damage your heart and ruin your life..
I'm sorry..
Never give up...
Friday, September 30, 2011
I realise that its so hard to resist and control the inner temptation that keeps revolving around my mind due to my weak morals. Why is it so difficult to exercise self control. This will be the fight for my life time till i get over it. I shall put an end to it regardless of what. I admit, i am just a weakling.
I have come thus far and i shall continue to maintain my self control. I pray that god will give me faith and let me be strong once and for all. You are utmost important to me. The experience of losing you once will always be in my mind. I will continue to be strong and not give in to all this shit.
To be able to be with you is a gift from god.
To cherish you is what i desire.
For you, i will persevere and be strong.
For I love you, Adelene...
Never give up...
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Love is really a big word and after 4 years, i realised that i know nothing about love. It is not as simple as just making that person happy, trying to retain the smile on her face and getting her what she wan and what she need. I always aim for all these, but i fail terribly.
The partner emotion and feeling is the most important. After all, what i have been aiming for, is none other than what people usually does at the courting phase. By being in a relationship means more.. looking at myself in front of the mirror, makes me feel that 4 years of relationship seems to be like a joke.
I only try to understand the current situation and remember for that instance.. just that instance.. and i cast the entire thing out of my brain till similar things begin to occur.. oh well.. wtf am i doing.. i guess i finally understand what you mean by "i am a selfish person" after you found out what happen and make me really go and think about all aspect in our relationship.. indeed, my actions are so one sided and selfish that i got to make you feel emotionally betray. i have never show you the true side of me. I behave like a saint in front of u. but frankly speaking, i didn't know my action are actually causing this much damage. I thought i am those kind of person who behave differently to different groups of people and i am just being normal.. but i am so damn wrong. you soon realise that i have serious moral issue which i eventually understand and realised that i really do have serious moral issue..
sigh.. cheating is the biggest mistake i have ever committed in life. I destroy our future, your trust, hurt your feelings, causing u to be not stable and whats worst, i got to let you go through all these shit by yourself.. I guess i have change big time because i never thought and believe that i will end up like this.. but humans do change.. according to the environment.. but i can only say one thing.. i have no proper moral and easily influence.. i don control my own life and therefore i am not discipline enough to live according to my morals.. its my own fault, my own doing.. sigh.. i should really settle down and think of who i am and what i really wanna be and wanna achieve instead of saying "anything" all the time and goes with the flow.. its time to make some proper decision in life and grab hold of my own life and future.. needless to say, our future too..
I do not know how to thank you as you have actually given me another chance.. something very rare because this is a mistake that do not belongs in the forgiven category.. i really think i shouldn't be together with you anymore because i totally don't deserve it.. sigh.. after all this incident then i realise how much effort you have put into this relationship.. is it too late to only start opening my eyes now to see, feel and understand all your hardwork and effort? i hope its not.. to really change, it takes time.. and i wonder how long this change in my personality will take..
watching local dramas makes me feel like going back to singapore badly.. the places we go together, my parents, our memories.. i have never feel that singapore drama were so nice in the past.. but now i feel as though they are super nice.. the drama trigger my thoughts of those memories that we hold.. and watching how nice they treat each other(actor and actress) in the show makes me feel guilty.. sigh.. if only i can be this nice to you.. but even if i do this to you now, its kind of too late already.. the trust and everything is gone.. the scar is already being engrave into your heart and our relationship.. i destroy everything.. indeed.....
i would really like to be a whole new person with proper morals and to treat and love you truthfully.. i do not have what it takes to tell you "i love you".. i really don deserve to say these 3 words to you.. sigh.. i hope i will change overtime by placing faith in god and in my own actions too.. allow me to learn from my past mistake and be a change man..
i have disappoint you thoroughly and i have let you down.. it is impossible to go back to the past.. i hope we will have a future together and it will be a truthful and lovely wan..
I miss you..
Hearts you..
The old leelee is dead.. time to wash away the painful memories that he had left you with... ... ...
Never give up...
Friday, January 14, 2011
And i see the light gets dimmer and dimmer as time goes by.... Entering a world of darkness day by day..
Never give up...
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Oh well.. feeling so random.. feel like blogging suddenly.
Friends, family, relationship.. Everything is FIRST in your heart. But according to you, relationship is First in first place, family is Second in first place, friends is Third in first place. Somehow, i feel that friend is first in first place.. But at times, you made me feel that i am First in first place.
Today, i feel that the friend had really become first in first place. I would throw aside everything, just to see u and accompany u. If its for you, even if its last minute thing and i have to attend some events or outing with friend, i will push them aside. Because you are the First in my heart.
I am busy lately.. Suddenly got a pact schedule. Work, Love, Family.. I tried my best to think of way to arrange things and de-conflict things.. but its getting no where.. I know i haven't been spending enough time with you this few weeks.. I would really like to spend nice time with you too.. But tml i really got to go in.. Because of how my grandma treat my mom when she is down and how long i have not seen her.. Frankly speaking, I don like to go in either.. so far away................ and its like finally got a weekend after the 5 days work week, can spend time with u already, I got family commitment on.. My parents couldn't give me any confirmation till last minute.. In the end, when i ask them, HOW?, they told me that they are waiting for my response since few days ago.. -_-"
The best way that we can be together this weekend will be you following me to visit my grandma.. but you had already made a pact with your friends a week ago, that you will be attending the gathering. I know that they should be given priority, but to me, i felt that friends can always meet up together.. last week, you say your friend just book out from the army, so you want to see them.. it might be your last meet up with them and wont be seeing them anymore.. Despite how sick you are, you still try to meet up with them. Tomorrow gathering, consists of army friends again.. I know you don like to pang seh your friends.. But visiting of grandma, is once a few months or years thing. and its the best way we can be together through out the weekend.. I feel that friends gathering can be push aside as there will sure be outings being organised again.. hmmmm...
Perhaps............ I am selfish this time.. but i feel that i should be given priority.. I KNOW and i feel that i am at fault too.. shouldn't just pop you this question suddenly and kind of "insist" you to pang seh your friends.. Sorry.. But i feel kind of stress.. sorry for this awful planning.. Work.. Love.. family.. sigh..
You hate my job to the core, but i kinda like it.. i like my uniform.. i like my primary job.. i like the working environment but i hate the working hours and secondary job. Detachment is a new experience for me.. see how operations work and etc.. Its my job.. Management choose me, I go.. I never volunteer for any. The biggest thing i hate about my job, is this thing:"CHANGES". This dynamic workforce always have changes.. and it often make people more of unhappy than happy.. Hate it? also must serve for the next few years till my minimum term is full filled.
Sigh.. This entry is purely my thought.. it has got nothing against you. Sorry if u feel insulted or hurt.. My intention for blogging is because i feel that i have no one to talk to.. so... ya......
Smile even if you're sad.. :)
Never give up...
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Good Morning everyone.. it has been 2yrs and 5 months since i last logged in. had always wanted to log in and blog about my life and etc, but got carried away by laziness. LAZY is a very dangerous word and action. BEWARE ok. lol..
Just a warm up entry.. will try to cultivate the habit to blog.. i tink it is good to blog too.. lol.. shout out and say all the kuku things tt trap in my heart.
Never give up...
